My First Tears

I have a confession: Saturday I shed my first tears about dad’s death. Those close to me have been so supportive. They’ve encouraged me to be wherever I am whenever I’m there. They’ve given me space to grieve in whatever emotional state I’ve been in. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to be present with my emotions. Even so, I was somewhat surprised that it took the tears so long to come. Here is my confession. 

Saturday was beautifully sunny day. Though it was only 30 degrees, it looked like it should be 75. So there I was, plugging away, learning the Hebrew of Psalms 73-89. (I hope to make at least one post about this soon.) As I often do, I was listening to a Pandora station that I’ve tweaked for well over 5 years––crafting it through thumbs up and thumbs down. Needless to say, the station plays a large smattering of music. (Right now it’s playing “I’ll Fly Away" by Allison Krauss and Gillian Welch.) 

Then it happened: Pandora played “Stand By Me” by Ben E. King. This is not a song that’s especially close to my heart (or to dad’s), but the psalms of lament, the day, the sunshine, and finally the song stirred something within me––a deep and beloved memory:

When I was a kid, Saturdays would roll around and we’d often load up in the pickup and drive to OKC for Taco Bell. Now this was back in the day before every small town had a Taco Bell / KFC combo so it was quite a treat. Oh how dad, Matthew, and I loved that hot sauce :). Seriously, we’d drive 70 miles for Taco Bell. Then I’d fall asleep in the back seat as the Oklahoma plains passed in the window. And for most of those miles, we’d be listening to oldies. 

And so I wept. I grieved dad’s death. I grieved the loss of my childhood (a really great childhood). I missed my mom and brother. But mostly I missed dad. And so I wept.

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In the days following dad’s death, I wrote quite a lot. Most of it I wrote hoping to publish it here. But, in keeping with my theme of being present with my emotions, I don’t know how much of this will actually make publication. I haven't yet felt right. But there are some things I’d like to share. Maybe soon.